Saturday, May 29, 2010

FAIL - Smoke Eaters 911 Hellfire Challenge (with photos)

The waiver I signed - it's worth clicking on the image to read the entire thing.

My roommate Oscar, the designated driver - DON'T drive yourself. Trust me.

Eduardo, yours truly, Edwin, and Steve - these guys nursed me back to health long after the challenge ended (in failure).

Preparing for the challenge with Lactaid (I'm lactose intolerant)

The dreaded, repugnant wings arrive - they resemble ribs, actually. The smell is repulsive.

The large gentleman is.... me. The slightly larger gentleman works for Smoke Eaters, and watches over to ensure no funny stuff happens (like using napkins, not eating all the meat off the bones, stealing a sip of a drink). He assures me, "You're not going to finish." He's right.

I eat the first wing like a champion - I'm feeling relieved, and falsely believe "I can do this."

Wing #2 - it's starting to hit me. Hiccups result, but I force myself to press on. I'm a bit of a showman, as you might gather.

Wing #2 or 3 = you can't tell from the photo, but I'm convulsing. My whole body started shaking uncontrollably - the fact that my hiccups stopped was no consolation. Severe panic sets in, and I'm afraid I might die.

But I force myself to go on - I didn't want to let these fine people down.

The agony is nearly unbearable.

Wing #3 or 4 - the end is near.

I can't go on - I'm shaking so much I can't continue, and even worse, my left arm is tingling. Cardiac arrest is most definitely NOT out of the question. (Note to self - lose weight, fattie)

Milk temporarily cools the burn - until it's swallowed. The afterburn is unbelievable - had I finished the challenge, I would have had to wait 5 minutes without drinking anything before winning. I couldn't even take 10 seconds of waiting after I had failed - "MILK!"

I couldn't walk properly, but Oscar and Steve (Edwin? The wings actually affected my ability to remember cohesively) helped me to the bathroom, where I did my best to wash up. The sauce had burned my face - literally. I had a pink rash around my lips until a couple of hours later.

I drank the whole half gallon of milk in less than 15 minutes - it finally cooled the burn to managable levels, thank goodness.

Sandra, the Red Wings fan who paid for my suffering, gleefully carts away the remnants to a toxic waste facility. She promises to buy me normal Buffalo wings in the near future, but I think I'll need a year before I eat anything remotely similar.

The morning after, at Edwin's house. I'm holding a chicken toy with a 2nd place ribbon attached. Despite the smile on my face, the hours following the challenge were amongst the worst I've ever experienced. Unbelievable stomach cramps, molten acid bowel movements, and vomiting - yeah, trust me amigos, you don't want to do this. Like the waiver form declares, "I am an idiot."
Video of all of this should arrive in my hands next week.
To sign off, let me just say that Adam Richman of Man vs. Food is a demigod for having completed this challenge. I know a couple of folks who've successfully done it, but I won't ever join their rankings, because there's no bleeping way I'll ever consider doing a rematch.
You've been warned.

1 comment:

Q said...

AHAHAHAHA!!! That is classic! It was a valiant effort!